I was reading through some of my first entries on here earlier today and it seemed appropriate to say a word or two. A lot has happened since this blog first started; engagement, support raising, marriage, ministry opportunities, actually having income through supporters… As I look back I am amazed at what God has done.
And yet I still sit here struggling with doubt. Is this really what God has called me to?
Recently, I’ve taken on some new endeavors, teaching, leading, and public speaking. I often wonder if I’ve taken on too much, yet I feel the necessity to explore these areas and seek confirmation of my calling. Lately it’s been tough here. I met a guy last week for a support appointment and in the end it felt a little like an ambush, though less so than other meetings.
This particular gentlemen had a lot of history with Mars Hill Church and what sounded like some unresolved issues that are manifesting themselves as roots of bitterness (Heb 12). After reflecting on the hour long venting session, I was uneasy. You see, I’m vulnerable when it comes to trusting authority. My step dad abused it, and I’ve always been skeptical ever since. The enemy is always looking for ways to exploit strongholds.
This particular guy did not have nice things to say about our Pastor, and had many accusations. This raised red flags in my head as to whether I could trust him or not as my Pastor. The problem is a thing need not be true to be powerful, only believed. And so I’ve spent the last 4 days or so in prayer, asking God for discernment and absorbing his Word and reminding myself that He is the one I trust, and He is worthy.
This is just one example of the many ways that the enemy attempts to de-rail us, and of the possible ways meetings can go bad. As I’ve look over old blog entries it feels as though I have failed in some sense in the purpose of this blog. I want to be glorifying God with it, documenting the ways he has answered me, often times miraculously. I feel that I haven’t done a good job of that, but want to.
So I’m asking the Holy Spirit to empower me to do that. Help me to glorify God with what he’s done in my life and what he is doing. Help me be a better steward of the resources you have given me.
May people only see me pointing to Jesus, if they look at me at all.