One of the ways that I know that i’ve seeped into it is I’m trying to everything I can to prevent it. There is an uncanny (and unhealthy) inward orientation that seems to take place. If I was self focused before, when depression hits I am ultra self focused.
Everything gets the volume turned up. Suddenly i’m wondering if that persons look towards me meant something more, or if someones comments were aimed at me. It’s a dark and brutal palce to be. Everything becomes more difficult. I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to work…I don’t even want to do the things I love. My cravings are amplified…I want comfort, sweets, ice cream, soda, pizza…all these things I reach out to.
I am in the midst of this at this very moment. During my morning walk I was thinking and it occurred to me that I prayed a prayer that I would not be disconnected from God during seminary (which can be a very dangerous spiritual place). It occurred to me that had I not felt this depression I wouldn’t be taking time out to talk with God. I wouldn’t be taking time to commune with him, to cry out to him, to be in his word.
Seminary can be deceptive because you spend a lot of time reading about God, or reading about those who really walked with him, but you’re not necessarily communing with him.
I haven’t been taking the time to meet with him daily in his word. (There’s so much to read!) For that I do confess, and repent. But at the same time I marvel at how God uses something like depression to draw me in to him, and to answer that prayer. For that I am grateful. And I will sit in Him, waiting, worshipping until the darkness lifts.